Legacy

I am adult child sorting out my life. Not that I am a child - by no means. But this time away from working has been filled with family situations. My frequent journeys back to my childhood home have both enlightened me to issues that span generations and opened a deeper passion to love and be honest with my children. I have lived by this principle long before their births, but in those moments when I deeply disagree with their life choices, I am reminded that I taught them to think for themselves and to live life fully. Who am I to direct their paths? They are adults and I would not leave them a legacy of hoping for my love and acceptance. They have it - given freely and daily.

I have lived much of my life outside of the parameters of my childhood teachings. I began in opposition until I found a way to separate from their teachings and identify what I believe. Every step was a struggle for and movement away from religious indoctrination came with the threat of eternal damnation. But worse, life was outside the umbrella of grace. Easy, how all that just comes back. A word here, a thought there, and a whole new clearing mission begins. These are not the teachings of love, compassion or understanding. This is the imposition of fear.

When I travel back I say nothing of my life that does not fit neatly into the standards. I speak lightly of my passion, which then sounds like mere interest. And I am not asked, nor do I share my thoughts. I am there to be of service and support. But what of here? Do I write under a pen name still protecting the tender egos of those who would so easily cast me into hell? Do I stifle my creativity because others may take offense? Am I destined to shun the light that the dark may be preserved?

To know me, you would find these ridiculous questions. And yet, time, maturity, and the quiet have spoken in a different voice. Having given up my brazen outlandish behaviors and chosen the comfort of home, I wonder now at the cost of this next step on my path. I will take it for sure, but with forethought to the consequences.

“While we are free to choose our actions, we are not free to choose the consequences of our actions.” Stephen Covey

Freedom of Choice

With more time has come more choices in how I share or spend these moments. Lately, I've spent more time processing the shift from working full time, then traveling, the return home, holidays, and just this week traveling again. Last week, my neighbor asked if I missed working. Well, no! I enjoy the space and time to think and sort whatever will come next. We had our first snow here and the roads were traitorous. Cars were slipping at the slowest speeds and at times right through the lights and stop signs. I was out for an early meeting and then planning to travel north to visit my family. Thankfully, but the time I hit the highway the roads were clear. There were however, lots of vehicles in the ditches and off the shoulders. A huge truck had spun around and was facing back toward oncoming traffic. There is nothing to be said, except, "Oh my." Even the most careful drivers were slip sliding away.

I am thankful I have the time and resources to support my family during this current health challenge. I do miss cooking for other people. When I was working I could cook large quantities of food and carry it in to share. Sometimes I package up portions for my neighbors, but there is still a lot of food for a single person, meaning I eat leftovers for a long time.

I also offer thanks and praise to the Giver of All for several gifts I received this week. I write in long hand when I am away from home and while I was traveling to and from the coast, I really wanted a laptop, but as this is a post employment desire, I felt I needed to pray for its arrival. I passed on what looked like a great deal as I am not that tech savvy. As I checked out the seasons offerings, even those less expensive computers could need an extra $150 for support (taxes, warranties, insurance). So, I let go and figured I would just wait. And while I sat waiting, I was gifted a laptop. (Okay, I wasn't just waiting. I was looking, thinking, praying, imagining, and putting out the word that my hearts desire was for a laptop.) It works great and will meet my needs. I just ordered a new battery so that I can actually be unplugged. I also received a Garmin GPS and had company on the ride home. Wait, wait. I received an offer for a paid online focus group. AND, one final paycheck!

You can't beat God giving; no matter how you try.

 I have been blessed to make these choices. Yes, I live a simpler life, but many years ago I made a decision that shaped the following years. But since I am back from the home where I grew up, perhaps I will say, I chose a particular path to today. If you ever wonder why things look the way they do in your life, travel back to where it began and observe, with compassion. Believe, then you will understand. In another post we will talk about all the stuff that gets saved. And how to keep letting it slip away...

Living in the Ebb

Let me ride this wave for a bit longer. Yes, I can see that it is over and the tide has gone out on November. However, I was so hyped up about getting through those 50,000 words, finishing my story, and every other November event, that I have reached a serious descent. I have plans for December, but they are short of the pressure November carried.

So, this morning finds me hunkered under the bed covers.  The reason I chose the winter months for time at home is, I love to snuggle beneath my blankets, sip hot tea, and read, read, read. The problem is I am already less than social and with the dark and cold, I am sure to become a hermit. Without posting and reading on line I am sure to be completely isolated.

To counter these tendencies, I have a list of tasks to complete out of doors. On Wednesdays and Fridays I can go to Tai Chi. I plan to get to my Pilates class as well. And for the socialization factor, I am heading to the store. I only need pears and half and half, but will practice greeting and smiling at strangers today.

There are plenty of other issues to address. have you ever noticed when you think you have worked everything out, along comes a whole NEW set of demands? Ones that had nothing to do with you in the first place? Well, this will keep things interesting...

Job Opening and Interview

See me here - Garden of the Gods

DA and I went out in the pouring rain shopping for a few "necessities." When I returned to sort the mail it included a letter for a job I had applied for months ago. I have seven days to reply - either schedule or mail back the reply with a reason for decline. I looked at the salary. More than I earned before, but no impressively so, in that I would not have stayed where I was for that rate.

I tossed it aside. I have seven days after all. Then this morning, as I lay in bed three hours past my alarm, I thought, "I could maybe work a day job. It is nice money." DA climbed into bed with a book for us to read. "On the other hand, I wouldn't be available to babysit when the day care is closed or DA is sick." We crawled out of the warmth of the covers, showered and had brunch.

As I stood washing dishes, I thought about going to work again. I had written my daughter with no response. She is living the dream - working in a spa and getting massage as part of her job. She loves what she does and is willing to pick up an extra shift. The last time I worked like that I was working for myself - part time gigs. Someone asked me why  I couldn't just hang in there.This is why?

My job duties were not difficult or challenging. I am almost ready to say a monkey blindfolded could do it. Almost, but not exactly true. But that was how I felt I was treated and eventually that entire lack of respect and regard became too much. Do I want to go to a job where I spend my shift thinking about leaving (for the day or quitting, or even focused on retirement)? Am I willing to be mistreated, by anyone? Am I invested in my worth, my dreams? Do I really believe that I can live well and prosper as I reach for my hearts desire?

Scrubbing the dirt off Kai Lan's bubble machine, I realized this is the Universe checking in with me. Every day we get reminders of our deepest desires. As we learn to heed them we will become more in tune to what is going well. Opening to daily grace strengthens us to overcome obstacles.

Unless you believe, you will not understand. ~ Saint Augustine

 As you prepare to make a change in your life, notice all the ways you are supported. Accept the belief that all Providence is invested in your joy and well-being.

I've been here - Sedona, AZ

Giving Thanks Daily

I am thankful for the option to tend my granddaughter over night and then to travel this morning to visit friends. Since I am free of the obligation to show up at work, I have the time and energy to chase a four year old long into the night. We danced, played music, enjoyed tea, and each others company. Her new favorite word when she has exhausted her commentary is, "Poop!" Not like and adult might say it, but delightfully as in accomplishment - poop and pee. Daily functions that take place to keep us healthy.

Through my body I see the Creator

This started as a different note, but let's hang here for a moment. It is a blessing when our system work as designed. We forget to be thankful for those very great things. We need only remember the last time our body systems stayed open and did not close or remained closed when they were to open. If we are breathing on our own, be thankful. If we are out of bed and taking nourishment on our own, be thankful. If we have the privilege to read, write, think, argue, discuss, hug, smile, kiss, blink, then be thankful. For all over the world there are those who have lost that ability.

When we have our health, we have everything. Be thankful.

Have a blessed holiday, everyday.

Redesigning

Having quit my job, my days and my life are wide open. I have the freedom to spend my time as I choose and accomplish what I will. I realized this morning how very artificial my world has been for these last three and a half years. I have spent my days sleeping or trying to sleep, my evenings pushing through what tasks I could and then getting ready to go back to work. Over and over, again. I took days off occasionally just to complete projects or take a break for decent sleep.

I must confess that I love to shop. I am much better since I started looking at living with less and because my measure of an item's worth was against my having to keep working. Those things however did not relieve me of the desire to shop. I keep very detailed list of what I desire. I apply in-depth scientific research into the product with rigid cost analysis. Then I wait, and look around, and think. Thankfully I have a good handle on delayed gratification and can wait out the strongest impulse. If the item is gone when I get back, so be it. Yes, there is some sadness that I didn't act, but I have a list. Something else will attract my attention.

We are preparing for the holiday season and I am not sure how I will show up. I have never been big on getting or giving gifts (something that was worked out of me as a child). But as I said, I love to shop and what better reason than to give to others. Since I am living without an income, I am rethinking everything around how I spend money and so, how I will be giving gifts this season. My daughter joked that I gift socks and lip balm. Very true, but the very nicest of both.

Today while shopping I kept in mine that I am spending my inheritance/my investment, and until cash falls from the money tree my patterns of delay will serve me well when it comes to spending. The dish I am carrying to both Thanksgiving dinners cost very little to prepare meaning I can spend the remaining budget on alcoholic refreshments.

Happy holidays to each of you. Enjoy every moment.

New Beginnings

It's happening Now!

In December 2010 I decided that instead of making New Year’s resolutions, I would make promises to myself and the basis of each promise would be toward being happier, healthier and far more interesting. That would eliminate the woulds, coulds, shoulds, and oughts and leave me with ideas, activities, goals and choices that actually fulfilled what I believe to be my mission in life. 

Who knew I would be here today? I had planned to leave my job for varied reasons, but had set the date past the holidays for financial ones. The longer I stayed employed the more earned time off and holiday pay I would receive. The moment came when I realized that I was effectively scarifying my peace of mind for a few dollars. So I moved the date closer. As the number of unpleasant events occurred in repetition I realized I would be leaving even sooner than my ideal. The date crept so close I needed an immediate plan and began a 100 day countdown. 

I have reached zero and moved beyond. Here I am at the end of another year with myriad events to reflect upon. Having already freaked out it’s time to live in the shift. Returning home today I thought, “I am going to OCCUPY MY HOME!” It was a loud thought. My home is more than just the place I come and go from. My life is more than serving for the profit of others. This time outside of public work gives me the freedom to serve my neighborhood and community. To bridge the gaps that keep us separated as human beings, especially as I was working nights and spending all the rest of my time struggling around sleep. Oh yes, there is cleaning and repairs and writing, of course. But as winter shuts us inside easily, I will purposely step outside my door and look the world in its cold blustery eye recognizing that I have the freedom to stand tall and breathe clearly.

This is not bucket list or last wishes. We are not promised tomorrow or even five minutes from now. Live like you are dying. Step up and into the moment.

What are you waiting for?