Surprise! Surprise! Surprise!

In the last twenty-four hours, the surprise lilies have popped up. I found them after returning home from a walk around my neighborhood. I'd like to say that I was out enjoying the fabulous weather. It was cool and breezy. I wore my hair down, carried my camera out, and listened to music.

My specific journey was to drop my car key at the dealership where my car was towed yesterday. I just cringed typing that. We were on the way to the mall. I thought I might check out the massage station since I have an interview Monday. DA wants another dress. And my daughter had a ten dollar off coupon to a store we usually avoid. We had plans.

Driving along the car just stopped. We were on a hill at the major intersection. It started again and then died as I made the turn. We rolled along until we reached the shoulder. I put on the hazard lights. Gentle freak out... Call KIA road assist. Ten minutes later find that the service expired August 2009. They will still come help for $75.50. Never mind. Call the tow company we know. They arrive within ten minutes and carry my car to the dealer for $56.00. My insurance will reimburse the cost.

We go to the mall. Inside I am just sick. I am overwhelmed because I am the one who helps everyone else and for a moment (hours) I feel I have no one to help me. (It's just a feeling and feelings pass.) The mall is crowded. I don't think I have been here in the last year. I am amazed and a little overwhelmed. I remember coming here and shopping, lots - before I knew better.

We find lots of dresses. Even really cheap ones ($3.99). They are ugly. I probably wouldn't bring them home for free.We find others which are fabulous, but DA is a shopper and none seem to meet her expectation (except a size 14 prom dress - too big). Then she saw Barbie in a swimsuit. The end. She traded all discussion and desire for a new dress for that doll.

I didn't get my massage because the estechnicians were wearing gloves. It is a creepy feeling, to me. And for the price they charge I could get a pedicure as well. I was just kinda sunk, anyway.

My daughter is great with child. That's a whole other piece of the story. We called and got a ride home and I ate ice cream. It was a good time to start drinking, but I like my mind clear when I have an issue, especially distress. On the way to the kitchen, I realized that this was the perfect time to have a car issue. Better to have my car checked out and running well before I get a job.

I love my car! It is seven years old with 51K miles. I have only had two incidents when it hasn't gone. Both were battery issues - too hot and too cold, outside. I trust that all things work together and with that belief the only thing left to do is let go.

Drink More Wine

REJECTED!

That's how I felt and that's what I wanted to title this post.

DISAPPOINTED!

SAD!

But really, who wants to hear that? Who indeed?

But the moment comes when we need to tell the truth, to someone.

Here's how it started...

Wednesday night I read a post on reasons to get a real job. A couple of the reasons resonated with me. One, money. I like living in my home. I am supporting myself, and the bank will only barter with cash. I know I said that before, but it's on top. I need to trade services with somebody for something. Two, I notice I do not have a sense of urgency. Since I am at home, I tend to believe I will get around to it - whatever it is, eventually. I won't. I have the things I love to get at; the others wait on a list.

I went to sleep excited and encouraged about going back to work - soon. I had been waiting two weeks to hear back from my last interview. As the two day "no thank you" letter time had passed, I figured they were checking out my references and it was a go.

Thursday morning I sprang from bed, made my coffee, and set about cleaning. I recently acquired a set of tapes by Wayne Dyer. As he spoke, I took down the curtains and blinds from the window. I dusted, vacuumed and mopped. When I stepped out to shake the rug, I saw the mail had arrived.

It was a thin single sheet of paper. "Thank you for taking the time to interview. While you were not chosen..." Does it really matter what comes next? They could just as well send a post card that is stamped, "REJECTED!" and get on with it.

I cried, but I kept cleaning. I was sad, and I sat still. Every evening I just stop. I passed on the wine. I have found that drinking is a poor way to handle emotional distress. I like to drink, but I save it for special occasions - days that end in "y".

The weekend was hard. I am starting over, again. Today as I hung out the laundry I wondered if they think I will not fit in the "office culture." I probably won't, but I really wanted to work at it.

Now what to do? There are lots of jobs to apply for. Sometimes I just can't stand another application process. I have taken so many questionnaires. I had a phone screening Friday. The interview was scheduled for tomorrow, Tuesday. I canceled.

This position required knowledge, skills, responsibility, accountability, dependability, a clean driving record, vehicle and insurance. The starting pay is $7.75. Really? How is one expected to maintain a vehicle, add fuel to get to work, and pay insurance on the rate?

I've got to be reasonable even if employers aren't. I save money by not driving all over the place. I am willing to drive a bit for a decent wage, but if I am being paid pittance, I need to be in walking distance. I am looking closer to home?

As I type, I realize there are still another dozen places I can check out. That job I was waiting on has always been my last resort. I've been there before. Working closer to home may mean shifting my political opinions or at least my personal stance. What am I willing to give up to get a job?

Where do you draw the line?

Aspiring to Be

Eight months ago, today, I quit my job.

My general intention was to travel, write and drink beer. For the most part, that's what I have been doing. A gentle recap: I left my job, traveled to San Francisco to visit my Z, drank beer and finished writing my novel in November 2011. On November 27th, I received a call from my family of origin that I had to come see about them. After much crying, fussing, cussing, and praying, I began a journey that would take me through my mother's terminal illness and death, my father's failing health and repeated hospitalizations, and the clearing of a hoarder's treasures.

In the past eight months, I have processed more dysfunction than I had in all my years of therapy. Thankfully, I have a lot of tools to shovel the shit that was piled on. I could never have imagined the level of hurt waiting to be uncovered. I had no idea the history into which I was born. And all that crap that was said and done to me, well, it's in the past. That's how I kept traveling north. I kept remembering that I have already survived what I have been through and I am just fine. (I'll address my crazy elsewhere.)

So, here I am today, celebrating my eighth month at home. I did take a part-time situation for the month of May. That gave me a boost - financially and socially. I have picked up five or six hours a week clearing clutter. That helps as well. Financially, I have learned to live even closer to necessities. Staying under the budget I designed before I left work and the few dollars coming in have brought me two extra months.

I have applied for several jobs. I wait expectantly for my acceptance letter to the last position for which I interviewed. Each day I am thankful for this time I have had at home. I know returning to work full time will be a challenge. I am excited about that as well. My goal for this blog was to learn to live my life more freely and clearly. What I find is that I love being at home, tucked away behind the trees, reading, writing, and drinking beer.

Done digging in the past, I now consider how I want to show up in the present. Here is the greater work, to be the person we long to be. This will also bring our greatest challenges.

My journey has opened my heart/mind to the work of an instrument of peace.