Legacy

I am adult child sorting out my life. Not that I am a child - by no means. But this time away from working has been filled with family situations. My frequent journeys back to my childhood home have both enlightened me to issues that span generations and opened a deeper passion to love and be honest with my children. I have lived by this principle long before their births, but in those moments when I deeply disagree with their life choices, I am reminded that I taught them to think for themselves and to live life fully. Who am I to direct their paths? They are adults and I would not leave them a legacy of hoping for my love and acceptance. They have it - given freely and daily.

I have lived much of my life outside of the parameters of my childhood teachings. I began in opposition until I found a way to separate from their teachings and identify what I believe. Every step was a struggle for and movement away from religious indoctrination came with the threat of eternal damnation. But worse, life was outside the umbrella of grace. Easy, how all that just comes back. A word here, a thought there, and a whole new clearing mission begins. These are not the teachings of love, compassion or understanding. This is the imposition of fear.

When I travel back I say nothing of my life that does not fit neatly into the standards. I speak lightly of my passion, which then sounds like mere interest. And I am not asked, nor do I share my thoughts. I am there to be of service and support. But what of here? Do I write under a pen name still protecting the tender egos of those who would so easily cast me into hell? Do I stifle my creativity because others may take offense? Am I destined to shun the light that the dark may be preserved?

To know me, you would find these ridiculous questions. And yet, time, maturity, and the quiet have spoken in a different voice. Having given up my brazen outlandish behaviors and chosen the comfort of home, I wonder now at the cost of this next step on my path. I will take it for sure, but with forethought to the consequences.

“While we are free to choose our actions, we are not free to choose the consequences of our actions.” Stephen Covey

Freedom of Choice

With more time has come more choices in how I share or spend these moments. Lately, I've spent more time processing the shift from working full time, then traveling, the return home, holidays, and just this week traveling again. Last week, my neighbor asked if I missed working. Well, no! I enjoy the space and time to think and sort whatever will come next. We had our first snow here and the roads were traitorous. Cars were slipping at the slowest speeds and at times right through the lights and stop signs. I was out for an early meeting and then planning to travel north to visit my family. Thankfully, but the time I hit the highway the roads were clear. There were however, lots of vehicles in the ditches and off the shoulders. A huge truck had spun around and was facing back toward oncoming traffic. There is nothing to be said, except, "Oh my." Even the most careful drivers were slip sliding away.

I am thankful I have the time and resources to support my family during this current health challenge. I do miss cooking for other people. When I was working I could cook large quantities of food and carry it in to share. Sometimes I package up portions for my neighbors, but there is still a lot of food for a single person, meaning I eat leftovers for a long time.

I also offer thanks and praise to the Giver of All for several gifts I received this week. I write in long hand when I am away from home and while I was traveling to and from the coast, I really wanted a laptop, but as this is a post employment desire, I felt I needed to pray for its arrival. I passed on what looked like a great deal as I am not that tech savvy. As I checked out the seasons offerings, even those less expensive computers could need an extra $150 for support (taxes, warranties, insurance). So, I let go and figured I would just wait. And while I sat waiting, I was gifted a laptop. (Okay, I wasn't just waiting. I was looking, thinking, praying, imagining, and putting out the word that my hearts desire was for a laptop.) It works great and will meet my needs. I just ordered a new battery so that I can actually be unplugged. I also received a Garmin GPS and had company on the ride home. Wait, wait. I received an offer for a paid online focus group. AND, one final paycheck!

You can't beat God giving; no matter how you try.

 I have been blessed to make these choices. Yes, I live a simpler life, but many years ago I made a decision that shaped the following years. But since I am back from the home where I grew up, perhaps I will say, I chose a particular path to today. If you ever wonder why things look the way they do in your life, travel back to where it began and observe, with compassion. Believe, then you will understand. In another post we will talk about all the stuff that gets saved. And how to keep letting it slip away...

Living in the Ebb

Let me ride this wave for a bit longer. Yes, I can see that it is over and the tide has gone out on November. However, I was so hyped up about getting through those 50,000 words, finishing my story, and every other November event, that I have reached a serious descent. I have plans for December, but they are short of the pressure November carried.

So, this morning finds me hunkered under the bed covers.  The reason I chose the winter months for time at home is, I love to snuggle beneath my blankets, sip hot tea, and read, read, read. The problem is I am already less than social and with the dark and cold, I am sure to become a hermit. Without posting and reading on line I am sure to be completely isolated.

To counter these tendencies, I have a list of tasks to complete out of doors. On Wednesdays and Fridays I can go to Tai Chi. I plan to get to my Pilates class as well. And for the socialization factor, I am heading to the store. I only need pears and half and half, but will practice greeting and smiling at strangers today.

There are plenty of other issues to address. have you ever noticed when you think you have worked everything out, along comes a whole NEW set of demands? Ones that had nothing to do with you in the first place? Well, this will keep things interesting...