To End Preoccupation with Distress

If we are to be happy, we must reclaim the curiosity of a child. And while we might restrain our approach, we can look around and outside of ourselves to discover that the world has expanded beyond our belly buttons.

Sometimes we become bogged down by the baggage of the past - what happened to us (or them), how we used to think, be, have, do, etc, and the myriad comparisons that keep us from living in the present time.

As we age, we gather more past. And while understanding that the past might contain useful information, it is also historical data. To move forward in our lives, opening to the present situation allows fresh thinking. As we continue to rely on what has been done before, we block the channels of inspiration.

When we are overwhelmed by hurt, angry, lonely feelings based in past situations here is the commitment to support letting go and forward movement:

It is logically possible and certainly desirable to end the ancient habit of paying attention to past distress and to replace it with a new attitude or posture of paying attention to interesting and rewarding concerns - including the present time situation. And so, I now decide to to this - and will repeatedly so decide - until the ancient habit is broke. (From Re-evaluation Counseling)

I have found this commitment helpful in reshaping my attention around my family of origin, past romantic relationships, lost friendships, and today's job search. Even as I consider where to apply to work, feeling surface which require acknowledgement and then a redirection of my attention.

Happiness is a choice and it's an inside job.

Look up. There is something to catch your attention.

From the Cloud Collection

YaY!

Interesting Situations

By now you know the opening line. "I quit my job. " I chose that statement because while I was employed I searched for information on living well outside of the status quo, and specifically, details and stories from people over forty. That young people quit, change, leave, or abandon jobs has little interest to me. This isn't to say they don't have great stories, ideas, tips or adventures. However, they are also generally free of children, mortgages, retirement plans/obligations, and the varied and many encumbrances that accumulate with age.

Honestly, to quit one's job, repeatedly, no matter the "financial climate," takes its own mindset. That's me. I've been leaving jobs since I accepted the first one. That will make me and my story different from those who have committed to a company for over five years. Still, I am over fifty and I choose to leave the last situation because I had had enough.

Today's note is about job search some more. I am just off the phone with an inquiry from a prospective employer. They called to make sure I was applying for a staff position rather than the supervisory slot. It seems I was recommended by the director of the agency for the supervisor position. Small world. We worked together many years ago. We were best friends (to me) and she helped paint my house, tend my children, and make my work my love.

The supervisor is on call 24/7 and expected to be in the office 8 am - 5 pm. Yes, there is vacation since it is a benefited position, but squeezing it in is a challenge. Oh, and "if you really need to be off we can find someone to cover for a doctor's appointment, etc." As the description went on, I knew there was no way I was getting roped into that situation. I know people who live for their jobs. I am not one of them and I am not impressed. I am happy to do what I love, but I love lots of situations and prefer balance in my life. I passed and asked to be considered for the staff role.

Life is good. I apply for two or three jobs most days of the week. I complete applications, assessments, questionnaires, and inventories. Not only do I learn about the companies, I learn about me. I am unavailable for long hours. I do believe employers ask too much of their employees. I think I work harder than most of my coworkers. I show up a little early for appointments. I expect to take my breaks and lunch. Can I sell people stuff they don't need? Sure! Will I? Probably not. Working on commission might leave me hungry.

I make notes from those survey tools. One has to wonder how those responses are weighted. I've been thinking about desired outcomes. I still enjoy being at home. Everyday I roll over and easily rise from sleep at whatever time, I am blessed again. There is so much more to my story and how I find a great ease in this life.

"I have a house, a car and my student loans are paid off. I should be able to sleep." (From Everybody Loves Raymond) I have plenty of food. I am healthy. I even still have a couple fingers of my favorite liquors. It rained. Tomorrow I will set out more plants and pray for a bountiful harvest.

I am open an employment situation that is mutually beneficial to all concerned. Let us affirm together:
So say we all!
So say we all!

Commitment in the Face of Disappointment

I got the letter today. Not the one I was waiting for, but from the same company. My letter thanked me for interviewing and wished me luck in my job search.

I am disappointed. Which is to say, I had expectations. I am more than qualified for this position. I have the experience and commitment to do the job well. I can imagine several reasons they may have passed on me and will have to keep these in mind as I reconnoiter.

I have vast experience which makes me a great candidate. I gathered that experience though numerous job changes. I longest stint with any company was three years and I counted the days to make that. Companies looking to place a strangle hold on me will be disappointed. Doors open both ways.

I like change and am willing to take on the task of both being who I am and shifting perspectives. This is my personal mission. I get to show up and show out. I am free and unlimited. Sometimes that is frightening to those who are stuck.

Since I was passed on this round, there is something better available for me. I get to relax and allow life to carry me. Monday I will send out another round of applications. I will call and schedule another state test. I will read, write, and garden.

I shake off disappointments and left go of expectations - repeatedly.

Life is good. (Hold on to that.)
All the time. (Regardless of the situation or circumstance.)

That was the end, but I remember that I have a new favorite video:

Assessing The Situation

Yesterday was my last shift at the call center - my part-time situation for the month of May. The last two shifts proved to be wonderful. The numbers were low so we had time to talk and share during the downtime. I met and got to know a lot of new people and because I was returning to this job (from seven years ago) I discovered new elements about people I once worked with only as acquaintances.

This is part-time work that can be boosted to forty hours when there are new (health) studies and plenty of numbers. Otherwise, people work as much as they can or want, then outside of work they garden, cook, read, care for aging parents, or volunteer in their communities. Some people are part-time temps while others are permanent. There are lots of young people (as in college students) and other folks close to retirement age (self named and at age 62).

Most interesting was a young woman who at thirty-one has traveled the country, changing jobs and locales. She has worked as a flight attendant, prison guard, and nurse's aide. She will be moving when she is accepted at her next situation. I hold out that the company she interviewed with will recognize her as an enthusiastic asset to their company. Her sister was a phone sex worker. That discussion perked up a few ears. I asked her how she learned to live so freely. Her response was that she spent time with lots of different people. Older people especially were eager to share their stories. She paid attention and selected the ideas that supported her happiness. She understands that we are each responsible for how we move through life and that happiness is an inside job.

Working part-time, I earned enough to carry me through the month of June. I walked to work three days a week. I picked up some freelance office work on my off days and that covered a few luxuries I had given up. I worked in my garden, cleaned around my home, even made that drive up north - twice. I spent time visiting with my friends and reorganized my grand-daughter's play area.

I imagine a full-time situation in the month of June. I hold the intention to show up authentically myself - creative, loving, strong, supportive, and free. Sometimes working full-time drains the memory of who we are away. This time I am holding on.

Imagine with me.

Namaste

New Choices

I quit my job to write, travel and drink beer. As you remember, or can read, things were going according to ideal. I am thankful for the these last (nearly) six months and am now embarking on the next adventure. While I made two trips to the west coast in this time, most of my travels have been back to my family of origin, dealing with illness, death, and more illness. It is a double blessing that my life and time opened to allow this experience (and more grist for the writing mill).

On the streets of San Francisco. Is this trust?

But since I like living inside and really love my particular home, I am heading back to work. My internal chatter had me committed to part-time employment and focusing my maintaining my frugal lifestyle, but as I have applied for more and more jobs, I am opening to the possibility that I can return to work full-time and still live as I do.

There are some things that take way more money that I have available - gutters, windows, moonshine, and my favorite liqueurs. Yeah, I make much of what I love, but there are those out there who have perfected the process and I want to check them out.

I started a part-time job Monday and came home to an invitation to interview for a full-time job next week. I am hopeful and encouraged. I am even a little excited. Perhaps, this will be far more interesting than I had previously imagined.

I'll let you now.

Harder than I've Ever Worked

My Garden Grows

I quit my job so I could write, travel and drink beer. No sooner than I had returned from San Francisco, my family called me to come "home" and tend my father and brother. My mother had been ill for several months, but was in the hospital and had received a terminal diagnosis. Since then I have been traveling between my personal space (home) and the world of my family of origin.

It has been an emotional roller coaster and I have a series I have been working on called, Notes From the Rabbit Hole. It addresses the insanity I have experienced for the last four months. I have been cooking, cleaning, and sorting in the world I left in 1977. There is more stuff than I could ever imagine. My mother died on March 2 and my father said, throw it all out. No way! There is incredibly cool stuff to share, pass along, or add to my collection of things I really, really need.

I've washed dishes more times in these four months than I have probably in the last three years. I schedule my chores for once a week and make due. But to keep my father from getting up at 6 AM to do dishes, I emptied the sink each night. The recycle staff know me by name. There is a facility that will shred confidential papers while I watch and wait, so I am there every week. We are clearing from 1995, sometimes earlier.

I am traveling. Guess I should have specified where. Some weeks I come home on Monday and return on Tuesday. Today I am home until April as my DA and I will be traveling to San Francisco. I am so ready for both downtime and personal adventure.

I have a standing commitment to drink beer with a friend. It started as Tears and Beer. I needed a place to release the overwhelming feelings and what I thought was my major support failed. I was expected to find levity, but there is a time to laugh and a time to cry. I needed to cry - to weep and wail, bitch and moan.

And I am writing. Not always posting, but my pen finds paper and words flow forth. It takes both time and space to write consistently. Thinking happens on the fly. Sometimes I make notes, but there is work to be tended. No job I have ever held required as much effort as this process and yet, it is precisely because I understand how to get things done that this has gone as well as it has.

Making Sauerkraut

In the midst of all these changes, I continued to make my yogurt. I experimented with Milk Liqueur and have three batches of sauerkraut fermenting. Even while I am away from home, my garden blooms. I have been blessed with five months to spend time with my dying mother, reconnect with my siblings, and help my father reorder his space for this new phase in life. There is still the visit with my daughter and travel with my grand-daughter yet to come. My life is full and I am blessed.


I opportunity was offered and I accepted the time and space to live freely.

My favorite coffee - Cafe Bustelo

Reading, Writing , and Yoga

I imagined I would spend my day doing all of the above. Turns out I have lots of time to support my family and I am thankful for that. The problem is, I have taken little time to develop the discipline of writing daily. I think about writing and sporadically pick up my journal or sit at the computer, but staying at the task can be daunting.

Today I am back home after meeting with my Language Partner. We shared lots of recipes and talked about the commercialization of love and affection. I told her that while lots of people will be giving and getting red and pink heart shaped crap, tomorrow all that stuff with be 50% off.  In a few more days, it will be 75% off. Celebrate on the weekend. She shared that in Korea everyone who didn't get gifts gathers in April for an anti/left out dinner where they eat black noodles (noodles with black bean sauce).

I have spent the remainder of the time working on my novel. It ready for another print and I have two readers. I cannot bring myself to print it double spaced due to the cost, so they will have to write in the margins or highlight and red pen. I find I spend way to much time wondering if it is good even as I love the story and the characters. My accomplishment today is the pitch:

Zhara, K. Lynn and Willi meet at a women’s festival and find they are from the same locale. On separation, they agree to maintain contact toward friendship – no matter what. Liam, a local massage therapist and yoga teacher, shows up in their lives to complicate the ideas of love, relationship, and community. Each woman, in her turn, examines her hopes and dreams of love in the context of belonging and acceptance in the lesbian community.

I will left it rest for a while and submit before the deadline, February 29th. I have read the guidelines repeatedly. It is a crap shoot. They will randomly pick 25 pitches and post them to the social networking page.  Readers will vote and the winner gets an agent/publisher. One fan will get an hour consultation. Whew!

I am excited to be teaching/sharing yoga weekly at the local LGBT Center. There has been regular attendance of six plus each week - three or four consistent participants. If everyone attends at once, that will be something.

Finally, I have been reading Charming Billy by Alice McDermott. It is the story of an Irish-American alcoholic shred from the prospective of his family in the aftermath of his death.As the title suggest, Billy is delightful and well loved even as his destructive behaviors dominate his relationships.

While at the library, I picked up Yoga Bitch by Suzanne Morrison. It looks funny and poignant. The character wanders the world looking to find her guru but meets others who are as human as she. (I haven't read it - this is my opinion and why I checked it out. We'll see if I am correct.)