Scribbled!

Last year, this time I was excited about leaving my job. Remember that? Remember the calendar, the count down, the research? All that planning so I could travel, write and drink beer. It was a great plan, and I swear, it would have worked.

But life happened. Or rather death. Then illness. Since my time was open I was available to show up when and as needed.

My plan was to live each day "Unwritten." All to soon my time was occupied and let me say, this year has zoomed by. Next week we will reach October 2012.

I will say that I loved being at home, mistress of each and every moment of my day. I never had to get a round tuit. I either went for it or passed.

These days I am working way more than forty hours a week and I think I will clear enough to meet my financial obligations,, pay off auto repair debt, attend home repairs and replenish my savings. My hours are spread over seven days a week and allow me to provide care for my grand-daughters as their mother returns to work. Some days it feels like more than I can stand.

In my previous post I outlined why I like my call center job. It's through a temp service and will end. I picked up an overnight shift at a group home. And I provide another five hours of office support.

As the call center hours run out I will pick up another overnight at the group home, but before November, I am committed to completing the edit of my novel for a Kindle publishing. I am already thinking about a sequel.

And then, say it with me... Pole Dancing in the City!!!

November will be a huge challenge with works and writing 50,000 plus words in 30 days, but I am leaving on a jet plane December 3rd!

Drink More Wine

REJECTED!

That's how I felt and that's what I wanted to title this post.

DISAPPOINTED!

SAD!

But really, who wants to hear that? Who indeed?

But the moment comes when we need to tell the truth, to someone.

Here's how it started...

Wednesday night I read a post on reasons to get a real job. A couple of the reasons resonated with me. One, money. I like living in my home. I am supporting myself, and the bank will only barter with cash. I know I said that before, but it's on top. I need to trade services with somebody for something. Two, I notice I do not have a sense of urgency. Since I am at home, I tend to believe I will get around to it - whatever it is, eventually. I won't. I have the things I love to get at; the others wait on a list.

I went to sleep excited and encouraged about going back to work - soon. I had been waiting two weeks to hear back from my last interview. As the two day "no thank you" letter time had passed, I figured they were checking out my references and it was a go.

Thursday morning I sprang from bed, made my coffee, and set about cleaning. I recently acquired a set of tapes by Wayne Dyer. As he spoke, I took down the curtains and blinds from the window. I dusted, vacuumed and mopped. When I stepped out to shake the rug, I saw the mail had arrived.

It was a thin single sheet of paper. "Thank you for taking the time to interview. While you were not chosen..." Does it really matter what comes next? They could just as well send a post card that is stamped, "REJECTED!" and get on with it.

I cried, but I kept cleaning. I was sad, and I sat still. Every evening I just stop. I passed on the wine. I have found that drinking is a poor way to handle emotional distress. I like to drink, but I save it for special occasions - days that end in "y".

The weekend was hard. I am starting over, again. Today as I hung out the laundry I wondered if they think I will not fit in the "office culture." I probably won't, but I really wanted to work at it.

Now what to do? There are lots of jobs to apply for. Sometimes I just can't stand another application process. I have taken so many questionnaires. I had a phone screening Friday. The interview was scheduled for tomorrow, Tuesday. I canceled.

This position required knowledge, skills, responsibility, accountability, dependability, a clean driving record, vehicle and insurance. The starting pay is $7.75. Really? How is one expected to maintain a vehicle, add fuel to get to work, and pay insurance on the rate?

I've got to be reasonable even if employers aren't. I save money by not driving all over the place. I am willing to drive a bit for a decent wage, but if I am being paid pittance, I need to be in walking distance. I am looking closer to home?

As I type, I realize there are still another dozen places I can check out. That job I was waiting on has always been my last resort. I've been there before. Working closer to home may mean shifting my political opinions or at least my personal stance. What am I willing to give up to get a job?

Where do you draw the line?

New Choices

I quit my job to write, travel and drink beer. As you remember, or can read, things were going according to ideal. I am thankful for the these last (nearly) six months and am now embarking on the next adventure. While I made two trips to the west coast in this time, most of my travels have been back to my family of origin, dealing with illness, death, and more illness. It is a double blessing that my life and time opened to allow this experience (and more grist for the writing mill).

On the streets of San Francisco. Is this trust?

But since I like living inside and really love my particular home, I am heading back to work. My internal chatter had me committed to part-time employment and focusing my maintaining my frugal lifestyle, but as I have applied for more and more jobs, I am opening to the possibility that I can return to work full-time and still live as I do.

There are some things that take way more money that I have available - gutters, windows, moonshine, and my favorite liqueurs. Yeah, I make much of what I love, but there are those out there who have perfected the process and I want to check them out.

I started a part-time job Monday and came home to an invitation to interview for a full-time job next week. I am hopeful and encouraged. I am even a little excited. Perhaps, this will be far more interesting than I had previously imagined.

I'll let you now.

Legacy

I am adult child sorting out my life. Not that I am a child - by no means. But this time away from working has been filled with family situations. My frequent journeys back to my childhood home have both enlightened me to issues that span generations and opened a deeper passion to love and be honest with my children. I have lived by this principle long before their births, but in those moments when I deeply disagree with their life choices, I am reminded that I taught them to think for themselves and to live life fully. Who am I to direct their paths? They are adults and I would not leave them a legacy of hoping for my love and acceptance. They have it - given freely and daily.

I have lived much of my life outside of the parameters of my childhood teachings. I began in opposition until I found a way to separate from their teachings and identify what I believe. Every step was a struggle for and movement away from religious indoctrination came with the threat of eternal damnation. But worse, life was outside the umbrella of grace. Easy, how all that just comes back. A word here, a thought there, and a whole new clearing mission begins. These are not the teachings of love, compassion or understanding. This is the imposition of fear.

When I travel back I say nothing of my life that does not fit neatly into the standards. I speak lightly of my passion, which then sounds like mere interest. And I am not asked, nor do I share my thoughts. I am there to be of service and support. But what of here? Do I write under a pen name still protecting the tender egos of those who would so easily cast me into hell? Do I stifle my creativity because others may take offense? Am I destined to shun the light that the dark may be preserved?

To know me, you would find these ridiculous questions. And yet, time, maturity, and the quiet have spoken in a different voice. Having given up my brazen outlandish behaviors and chosen the comfort of home, I wonder now at the cost of this next step on my path. I will take it for sure, but with forethought to the consequences.

“While we are free to choose our actions, we are not free to choose the consequences of our actions.” Stephen Covey

Freedom of Choice

With more time has come more choices in how I share or spend these moments. Lately, I've spent more time processing the shift from working full time, then traveling, the return home, holidays, and just this week traveling again. Last week, my neighbor asked if I missed working. Well, no! I enjoy the space and time to think and sort whatever will come next. We had our first snow here and the roads were traitorous. Cars were slipping at the slowest speeds and at times right through the lights and stop signs. I was out for an early meeting and then planning to travel north to visit my family. Thankfully, but the time I hit the highway the roads were clear. There were however, lots of vehicles in the ditches and off the shoulders. A huge truck had spun around and was facing back toward oncoming traffic. There is nothing to be said, except, "Oh my." Even the most careful drivers were slip sliding away.

I am thankful I have the time and resources to support my family during this current health challenge. I do miss cooking for other people. When I was working I could cook large quantities of food and carry it in to share. Sometimes I package up portions for my neighbors, but there is still a lot of food for a single person, meaning I eat leftovers for a long time.

I also offer thanks and praise to the Giver of All for several gifts I received this week. I write in long hand when I am away from home and while I was traveling to and from the coast, I really wanted a laptop, but as this is a post employment desire, I felt I needed to pray for its arrival. I passed on what looked like a great deal as I am not that tech savvy. As I checked out the seasons offerings, even those less expensive computers could need an extra $150 for support (taxes, warranties, insurance). So, I let go and figured I would just wait. And while I sat waiting, I was gifted a laptop. (Okay, I wasn't just waiting. I was looking, thinking, praying, imagining, and putting out the word that my hearts desire was for a laptop.) It works great and will meet my needs. I just ordered a new battery so that I can actually be unplugged. I also received a Garmin GPS and had company on the ride home. Wait, wait. I received an offer for a paid online focus group. AND, one final paycheck!

You can't beat God giving; no matter how you try.

 I have been blessed to make these choices. Yes, I live a simpler life, but many years ago I made a decision that shaped the following years. But since I am back from the home where I grew up, perhaps I will say, I chose a particular path to today. If you ever wonder why things look the way they do in your life, travel back to where it began and observe, with compassion. Believe, then you will understand. In another post we will talk about all the stuff that gets saved. And how to keep letting it slip away...

Job Opening and Interview

See me here - Garden of the Gods

DA and I went out in the pouring rain shopping for a few "necessities." When I returned to sort the mail it included a letter for a job I had applied for months ago. I have seven days to reply - either schedule or mail back the reply with a reason for decline. I looked at the salary. More than I earned before, but no impressively so, in that I would not have stayed where I was for that rate.

I tossed it aside. I have seven days after all. Then this morning, as I lay in bed three hours past my alarm, I thought, "I could maybe work a day job. It is nice money." DA climbed into bed with a book for us to read. "On the other hand, I wouldn't be available to babysit when the day care is closed or DA is sick." We crawled out of the warmth of the covers, showered and had brunch.

As I stood washing dishes, I thought about going to work again. I had written my daughter with no response. She is living the dream - working in a spa and getting massage as part of her job. She loves what she does and is willing to pick up an extra shift. The last time I worked like that I was working for myself - part time gigs. Someone asked me why  I couldn't just hang in there.This is why?

My job duties were not difficult or challenging. I am almost ready to say a monkey blindfolded could do it. Almost, but not exactly true. But that was how I felt I was treated and eventually that entire lack of respect and regard became too much. Do I want to go to a job where I spend my shift thinking about leaving (for the day or quitting, or even focused on retirement)? Am I willing to be mistreated, by anyone? Am I invested in my worth, my dreams? Do I really believe that I can live well and prosper as I reach for my hearts desire?

Scrubbing the dirt off Kai Lan's bubble machine, I realized this is the Universe checking in with me. Every day we get reminders of our deepest desires. As we learn to heed them we will become more in tune to what is going well. Opening to daily grace strengthens us to overcome obstacles.

Unless you believe, you will not understand. ~ Saint Augustine

 As you prepare to make a change in your life, notice all the ways you are supported. Accept the belief that all Providence is invested in your joy and well-being.

I've been here - Sedona, AZ